As of this writing, Donald Trump is just hours away from taking the oath of office and being sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. That means there’s an odds-on chance that by the time you read it, President Trump will already be making good on his promise to “make America great again.” Presuming liberal snowflakes didn’t link arms and block traffic on Pennsylvania Avenue, or some of their more sinister pals haven’t made good on some less juvenile threats, President Trump may already have issued the first of what are expected to be as many as five first-day executive orders.
Last week, I made the case that driving a stake through Obamacare’s undead heart could well be the single most important task ahead for the new president. But let it be a jumping-off point, not a destination. Trump’s orders will elicit butt-hurt whether they involve undoing Obamacare or putting Martin Luther King, Jr. on the $50; so he might as well skip the jab and unload the hay maker. Allow me to pitch in with some suggestions for President Trump’s opening presidential orders. Granted, they don’t have nifty acronyms like “DACA,” but they shouldn’t be too tough to remember.
The Democrats have been upping the ante on their defense of Obama’s signature “achievement.” What they have yet to do is acknowledge that Obama lied about it at every stop on the trail. Now they’re demanding a “fix.” Here’s one:
Federal Alleviation of Insurance Laws. Any and all provisions enacted under the “The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act” which relate to assessment, enforcement and/or collection of fees, penalties or taxes as pertains to the so-called “individual mandate” are hereby rendered null and void. This order shall be retroactive to the date of Jon Gruber’s first undercover visit to the White House. The government is getting out of the business of forcing people at gunpoint to buy things they can’t actually deliver. You want “single-payer” coverage? Try the federal prison system.
The fun guys in charge of taking the power drill to your kneecaps if you run afoul of Obamacare are the same leg-breakers in charge of the Federal Government’s biggest protection racket. They’re also the guys who willingly volunteered for jackboot duty when Obama wanted to give Tea Party donors a whack. Repealing the income tax itself would likely require a Constitutional Amendment. But thinning the ranks of the enforcers wouldn’t. Therefore:
The Transitional Halt to Economic Frustration of Taxpayers. Any and all individual audits, investigations and/or actions against individual citizens which are in any way associated with the previous Administration’s politically-motivated scrutiny are hereby vacated. Furthermore, any and all officials shown to have had any operational knowledge of such a program are hereby reassigned to reading parking meters in Detroit.
While most of our less-realistic pals would have us believe that every Tomas, Ricardo and Julio who sneak through our poorly-watched doors is a cultural, social or athletic diamond just waiting to shine, the reality is that a great many of our illegal neighbors are committing worse crimes than cutting the grass too short at the Clinton’s Chappaqua estate. At the very least, a clean slate would certainly make it easier to separate the wheat from the MS-13 narcoterrorists. While a nationwide roundup of everyone who has overstayed his or her welcome is unrealistic, a campaign of attrition is not. Therefore:
Under the new “Alien Deportation and Immigration Organizational System,” henceforth, any and all individuals who are in the United States illegally shall be flagged in a nationwide system. Should they be arrested for any crime, whether it be murder or shoplifting cerveza from the bodega, they shall be deported immediately after they serve whatever punishment they might face for the commission of the original crime. Furthermore, they shall be barred from reentering the country for a period of no less than 10 years.
Trump’s cabinet-level nominees paraded in front of various Senate committees this week; facing predictable whining from otherwise-impotent Democrats. And while Secretary of Education to-be Betsy DeVos squaring off with a warpath-stomping Senator Elizabeth Warren provided some nifty confirmation-hearing sparks, it didn’t address a more important issue: the existence of the Department of Education. Thirty-eight years after President Jimmy Carter put Washington in charge of ensuring your kids know how many mommies Heather has, our nation’s future is neck-and-neck with those brainiacs in Lithunia. A glance around the National Mall reveals a whole busload of bureaucrats who ought to join the government schoolmasters outside the taxpayer-funded classrooms. There are seven undersecretaries in the Department of Agriculture alone. The Department of Health features a deputy secretary whose job title includes subbing for the secretary on the board of the Kennedy Center. These people collect six-figure salaries to do nebulous stuff for dubious reasons. Therefore:
Under the Unnecessary Redundancy Federal Inter-Regulatory Executive Detail, all cabinet-level positions and/or offices requiring Senate confirmation at the federal departments of Education, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security and Commerce are hereby rendered vacant.
And one more, for the gun guys:
Affirmation and Recognition of Freedom of Individual Firearm Training, Enjoyment, Experience and Non-intervention.
I can’t promise Trump will be a positively transformative president, but I can promise he’ll be an unconventional one. Let’s See What America Might Produce.
— Ben Crystal